The Kim Kardashian Principle: Why Shameless Sells (and How to Do It Right)
by Jeetendr Sehdev
Read: 08-03-2017
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“The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them.” – Ernest Hemingway
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Science proves that conformity is the slowest form of suicide. The Asch experiment (a series of studies investigating if people yielded to a majority group and the resulting effect on their beliefs) shows that our desperate need to fit in is sometimes so pressing that we will go along with others in a group and give a wrong answer to a question we've already answered correctly as an individual.
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“If you're thinking like everyone else then you're not thinking.” – Frank Zappa
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One of the first things I tell my students at USC is that if you want to be a great innovator–or, at the very least, someone with a unique perspective on the world–then you have to surround yourself with difference. It's what's driven my interest in both the sciences and the arts, led me to date both Oxonians and Angelenos, brought the power of thinking from Harvard to Hollywood, and allowed me to create the era of celebrity branding.
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Several studies have shown that when we are placed in groups where everyone seems to be “like us,” we assume that they already think like us. Instead of working hard to be creative–challenging, arguing, and sharing ideas–we put the bare minimum of effort into our work. Why do more when these like-minded individuals already share our POV? However, when a group contains members of different races, sexes, or any other kind of “other,” suddenly we come to life. We no longer assume that we understand what the other person thinks. Instead we pay attention and work harder to communicate and innovate.
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Audiences form opinions of you based on what you don't do as much as what you do.
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“You don't like me, fine, that's your prerogative. But listen, I'm living my dream while you're asleep wet-dreaming of it.” – Kim Kardashian
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If you were to do a smash test on Kim Kardashian–pretend she's made of glass, pick her up and smash her on the floor–you'd still be able to recognize her from the broken pieces.
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“Tell the truth or someone will tell it for you.” – Stephanie Klein
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“We're all going to die someday. Isn't it sad that you wasted your life being a terrible shit human being?” – Grace Helbig
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“Just because I deliver the message offensively doesn't mean I'm not right.” – Onision
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“The point of vulnerability is a relinquishing of control, not a tool for further control.” – Mark Manson
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Madonna intuitively understood that if your critics hate you for showing too much, then show them even more.
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Despite what the Old Testament says, there is nothing inherently humble about Homo sapiens. Human beings are programmed to think about themselves and to enjoy sharing their self-obsession with the world. A scientific study has shown that we find talking about ourselves more rewarding than earning a small sum of money for keeping quiet. Those few minutes of indulgence are literally and biochemically blissful. They fire up the same dopamine-drenched neural pathways as do drugs, food, and sex. We also use 30 to 40 percent of our speech to talk about our subjective experiences of the world (“I think, I want, I feel”), and 80 percent of our social media posts share our own immediate experiences and emotional relationships.
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There's a caveat, of course. Overexposure and authenticity are linked–exposing a false version of ourselves to the world just doesn't feel as good, no matter how much attention we get. Just like the 2000s hit parade of born-again Disney pop virgins who eventually derailed into a more authentic life of crack cocaine and rehab, there's nothing pleasurable about pretending to be a nicer–or “better”–person than you really are. Overexposure only works when it's the real deal, and this best plays out on social media, where the more real you are, the more approval you receive, creating a positive cyclce. Users with high self-esteem benefit more from exposing themselves than do their more self-conscious friends. People with lower self-esteem get correspondingly lower levels of feedback on their more modest posts. As they experience fewer rewarding reactions, they in turn are less and less likely to post intimate, revealing, and “real” status updates about themselves–further decreasing the feel-good factor that over-exposure offers.
So, those who are truly self-obsessed and willing to overexpose their real selves around the clock get three big rewards for their behavior: they are able to fully express their true selves and feel good about it, gain widespread yet also intimate attention, and carve out a distinct place for themselves where this attention and self-expression can increase their popularity. Overexposure is a zero-sum game; you have to be fully committed in order to reap its rewards.
In the fall of 2014, Madonna took to Instagram to beg listeners not to listen to the leaked demos for her Rebel Heart album–exactly the opposite of what she should have done.
If you want to connect, you have to expose everything: flaws, flat notes, unsynced tempos, and all. If only Madonna had learned something from Kim Kardashian, who overexposes herself all the time. After Kim was inundated with hate for posting yet another not-safe-for-work selfie, she called out some of her more famous critics on Twitter for their hypocrisy rather than trying to cover up the controversy. Kim followed up by posting an essay on her own empowerment in honor of International Women's Day: “I am empowered by my body. I am empowered by my sexuality. I am empowered by feeling comfortable in my skin. I am empowered by showing the world my flaws and not being afraid of what anyone is going to say about me.” And this is the secret of overexposure–it transcends narcissism or self-obsession. Overexposing ourselves is in fact a powerfully connective tool. When we overexpose our thoughts, feelings, and ideas, we empower ourselves to tell a much bigger and more honest story than we do when we try to control how people think, feel, and respond to our work.
“I'm never one to preach, but I felt really positive and really good about myself. I love the photos, I did it for me, I hope other people like them.” – Kim Kardashian
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“You don't have to like me, I'm not a Facebook status.” – Wiz Khalifa
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“Humility is no substitute for a good personality.” – Fran Lebowitz
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If the Dalai Lama appears focused on the needs of others, Musk, in contrast, is utterly focused on his own needs. And while we often feel the need to demonize these types of leaders as arrogant or assholes, divas or delusional–and secretly hope for their downfall–those who focus on themselves and use fear in their struggle to get ahead are not only redefining our culture but also inspiring others to shape the future. According to the old-school definition of “good,” they are indeed “bad”. But today being bad requires being brave, and it is this truth that will enhance your credibility, humanity, and authenticity as a leader. If the Dalai Lama took a page out of Elon Musk's book and realized that the need to befriend Beyonce was indeed his truth, he wouldn't need the PR spin of peace.
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Famed bicycle stunt rider Matt Hoffman says, “Fear gives you that extra energy that gets 110 percent out of you.” Fear is intertwined with ecstasy, and for some it's the difference between living and simply existing.
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“Indeed the safest road to Hell is the gradual one.” – C.S. Lewis
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“Learn the rules like a pro so you can break them like an artist.” – Pablo Picasso
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“I will not stay silent so that you can stay comfortable.” – Martin Luther King Jr.
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Playing it safe can be tempting in life, but in business it isn't going to get you anywhere. Polarization is an essential and powerful tool, one that gives you the strength to be yourself in a cultural environment that demands conformity. The classic Milgram experiment proved that seemingly rational “good” guys are only too willing to torture each other when instructed to do so by an authority figure. An astonishing 65 percent of study participants were willing to give supposedly dangerous and painful electric shocks to people simply because they were told to do so. A 2014 repeat performance of the experiment found that agreeable people tend to avoid breaking the rules and upsetting others, and more easily comply with social expectations. Even when those demands are unthinkable.
Of course there's nothing new about using the power of perceived authority to get nice people to do not-so-nice things. For the most part, civilian members of the Nazi party were friendly, pleasant, and eager to just get along. Forget Himmler or Goebbels. As philosopher Hannah Arendt claimed in Eichmann in Jerusalem, the power of the party came from its millions of everyday members and their fundamental desire to fit in, to not rock the boat. The “crime had become for the criminals accepted, routinised, and implemented without moral revulsion and political indignation and resistance.” In other words, the danger of the Nazis came from their willingness to delegate thinking, decision making, and even morality to their superiors.
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“Haters are my favorite. I've built an empire with the bricks they've thrown at me. Keep on hating.” CM Punk
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If you're not being hated, then you're not really in the game. Hate is a form of engagement, and in an environment where most people are too busy to engage at all, hate means you are at least connecting on a deep enough level to inspire a response. MRIs show that hate activates the same area of the brain (the frontal cortex) as romantic love. When we are hated, it is because we are doing something so extreme, shocking, or exciting that it incites an emotional response from our audience.
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“A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject.” – Winston Churchill
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“There is a crack in everything, that's how the light gets in.” – Leonard Cohen
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Today, ideas need to be “You-centric,” not “audience-centric.” If this sounds like the opposite of everything you've ever heard about marketing, you're right. The principles of developing a successful idea have always been to “assess your audience and identify the white-space opportunity,” but that's not enough anymore. I've done focus groups from here to Hong Kong. I've written concepts, tested concepts, and painstakingly verified each word in a concept, finally selecting the top-performing words and phrases that audiences have told me they like the most. The end result is a perfect ad campaign, one that reflects exactly what the consumers claim to want but rarely delivers on its promises in the end. These old approaches to marketing and product development are quickly becoming defunct. If you want to connect with Millennials, you not only have to be honest about what you want and show your true colors, flaws and all, but you also have to do is fearlessly.
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Millennials are obsessed with intentions and motives; they want to know why you are doing something, and if that why fails to ring true, they will not engage. Creative ideas (and the people behind the ideas) that come from a truly passionate place, rather than being designed to please an audience, have a greater chance of success today.
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It's not easy to be imperfect. Most of us have absorbed one cultural message–to strive for perfection–since birth. But it's not always the best advice. For one thing, it can literally drive you crazy. I see it every day here in Hollywood, whether it's the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills overdosing on Restylane or the genuine A-listers who can't admit to complicated or contradictory impulses and desires in their own lives. Second, and more important, perfection is just boring. Audiences no longer believe you were ever perfect to begin with, and they will ignore you (or even worse, forget you) for underestimating their intelligence. Perfection is over. Flawed is the new fascinating.
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Ten years ago, if you asked me to explain why I was a perfectionist, I'd have said that only the most perfect work will stand the test of time and that only the most perfect person in their field has a chance of breaking through and being a success. Now I know that's not true. Today I'm more of an imperfectionist; I'm less interested in “being perfect” and more interested in challenging myself to find the imperfections that make ideas, products, and services more memorable, shareable, and compelling. After my years at Oxford and Harvard, and working at the most prestigious brands in the world, I now know that perfection is not enough.
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“I am God's vessel. But my greatest pain in life is that I will never be able to see myself perform live.” – Kanye West
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Let's go back to Narcissus for a moment. While the young man was mesmerized by his reflection in the pool, Echo, the nymph who truly loved him, was wasting away in a cave, literally dying of love. And here's the paradox of narcissism: love 'em or loathe 'em, narcissists are generally the winners in life. A Stanford study shows that narcissist CEOs who have “me-first” personalities and aggressive negotiating skills earn millions more than their non-narcissistic peers. So, while Echo may have been kind and compassionate (and most likely passive-aggressive), by the end of the story she had become so invisible that only her voice remained–and even her voice was incapable of uttering an original thought, as she'd been cursed to only repeat the last sound she had heard. Echo was the world's first doormat.
Multiple experiments prove that the characteristics that define narcissism–high self esteem, focus, and drive–are powerful change agents. Most of the great business leaders, such as Virgin's Richard Branson and Google's Larry Page, and many of our pop culture icons–most famously Madonna and Kanye–easily fit into the definition of narcissistic. Even more interestingly, some research suggests that narcissism is a natural stage of human growth.
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Here's the power of contradiction: if we allow ourselves to acknowledge contradiction and even embrace it, without trying to justify or explain it, it leaves the door open for change, growth, and personal expansion.
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“It's never the changes we want that change everything.” – Junot Diaz
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Contradiction is as much a principle of life as it is a strategy for our ideas to spread. Contradictions captivate people. We try to be consistent, but we love the tension points that contradiction creates. Despite our best efforts we are inherently contradictory–we couldn't survive otherwise. Our inherent contradiction allows us to accept two conflicting realities at the same time (how many times have you heard of a horrific brutality in the news, and then, five minutes later, laughed happily with your friend?). Contradiction creates tension points in all facets of our lives, from how we treat others to how we shop or do our jobs. We all want to be fashionable and have fun, and we also want to be seen as valuable, trustworthy, and responsible. Yet value conflicts with style, trust is not seen as glamorous, and responsible is not seen as fun. So while we might want to be consistent, we tolerate the contradictions in our lives in order to fully live those lives.
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“They slipped briskly into an intimacy from which they never recovered.” – F. Scott Fitzgerald
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Shortly after my interview with Independent, I was invited to address students at the University of Cambridge in England. As an Oxford graduate, I was hesitant to cross over to the other side, but I had never visited Cambridge and was curious to experience it for myself. It seems my fears were rightfully founded, as it wasn't long before the descent into darkness began as the conversation turned to drugs, dark magic, satanic sex cults, and one of their most notorious alumni, Aleister “the Great Beast” Crowley.
In the late 1800s, Aleister Crowley earned a reputation for being the earliest Western prophet of doing as a way of feeling. Tabloids called him the “wickedest man in the world.” Rock stars like the Beatles and Bowie loved him, while Satanists and pagans worshiped him. In truth, Aleister was an English philosopher, occultist, and ceremonial magician who loved writing poetry, painting, and climbing mountains. Crowley traveled the world with a burning desire to feel as much as he could, both physically and spiritually.
As a young scholar at Trinity College, Cambridge, Crowley became skeptical of his wealthy family's evangelical Christianity, noting inconsistencies in the Bible. Before long, he was smoking, masturbating, and misbehaving with prostitutes. Ye the still craved the kind of passion he saw as a child from his street-sermonizing father, and he was determined to find it again. Dissatisfied with college partying and sexual experimentation, he started studying magic, mysticism, and the supernatural. Crowley's first mystical experience was believed to have coincided with the first time he had sex with another man and realized that he was bisexual. A year later, a serious illness led Crowley to ponder, “the futility of all humans endeavor,” which led him to fully commit to the occult. A senior member of the Golden Dawn–an organization devoted to the study and practice of the occult, metaphysics, and paranormal activities–moved in with Crowley, and within two years, this magic tutor of sorts had inducted Aleister into the habitual use of drugs and elaborate magic rituals.
On his father's dime, Crowley began traveling the world, experimenting with dope, mysticism, and other religions. It wasn't long before he proclaimed himself the profit of a new religion called Thelema. The region had only one law–“Do what thou wilt”–and was based on the belief that if you took extreme actions with enough intention and effort, you could both feel anything you wanted and attract everything you wanted, including passion, love, money, and power. Crowley created a commune called Thelema Abbey, where he and his clan started engaging in sexual magic rituals and orgies to experience truly authentic and ecstatic feeling. At the Abbey, also known as sex magic central, Crowley routinely meditated while performing oral sex on women, believing there was some magical substance in the fluid.
While on the surface Crowley's shenanigans might just sound like Russel Brand on a bender, Crowley was driven by Eastern meditational practices, which believed that conscious focus on physical action could stimulate an enlightened state. Anything could be achieved through mindfulness, and everything could be controlled with self-awareness and discipline. By channeling your energy and desire during sex, an orgasm could become a catalyst for making your dreams come true.
Crowley died seventy years ago, but his message was so powerful that he remains a favorite with hedonists, pagans, hippies, and pop stars. He graced the cover of The Beatles' album Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band, and “Do What Though Wilt” was inscribed on the vinyl of Led Zeppelin III. David Bowie gave Crowley a shout-out in his song “Quicksand,” and Ozzy Osbourne released the song “Mr. Crowley,” singing: “Mr. Crowley, won't you ride my white horse? Mr. Crowley, it's symbolic, of course.”
Aleister Crowley wasn't so much a hedonist and a sex fiend as a person who craved feeling for feeling's sake. His real message wasn't “Do whatever the hell you want,” but “If you want to feel, do. And whatever you feel or do, do it purposefully.” He foreshadowed the mindset now embraced by Millennials and Generation Z. Doing what though wilt, as a path to feeling life more deeply, is their new way of creating intimacy.
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“Expect nothing. Live frugally on surprise.” – Alice Walker
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“What we learn with pleasure we never forget.” – Alfred Mercier
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Many people blame Hollywood and our celebrity culture for promoting sexual promiscuity. While I learned that the City of Angels has its fair share of sinners, people who simultaneously loved more than one person or idea go right back to the beginning, when Eve wanted both Adam and the apple.
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“You only lose what you cling to.” – Buddha
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“Love is cursed by monogamy.” – Kanye West
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As Josephine Baker proved, it's possible for us to generate intimacy with more than one person, cultural idea, or place without telling lies, keeping secrets, or feeling shame. Ideas that will connect with audiences on a deeper, more authentic emotional level will recognize this new reality.
Scientists now speculate that mating for life may not be what nature intended. Homo sapiens have evolved with a dual reproductive strategy that's a mix of being faithful to one mate at a time–serial monogamy–and clandestine couplings. We appear to have the biochemical and genetic mechanisms that permit us to be extraordinarily flexible with commitment when it comes to intimacy and love.
Each generation's prevailing view of sexuality influences how open people are about the intimacy, as well as the love, they need. As more Millennials and Gen Zers come of age, their openness and comfort with loving multiple people and products will ultimately transform the way global audiences view relationships. Instead of exclusivity being the only acceptable option, we will increasingly accept the reality that half the marriages in America end in divorce, a clear indication that lifelong monogamy isn't working out so well. Divorce rates aside, several studies have found that in the United States, somewhere between 30 and 50 percent of the married men and women are spending time in somebody else's bed.
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“Attention is the rarest and purest form of generosity.” – Simone Weil
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“Our first and last love is self-love.” – Christian Nestell Bovee
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